Emptiness

I happen to be SERIOUSLY craving Firehouse in Logan right now. Particularly their Cordon Blue Cedar Baked Sandwich. Oh, the memories...

For some reason, I thought if I threw that out there to the vast emptiness of the internet it would make me feel better.

Results: Nope, just feel worse. I think it made me want it more. And to add to that pain, added the pain of missing Logan more. Booo hooooo. And my pity party is over now. Thanks, vast and empty internet for listening even though it didn't help.

What Did I get?!

I love my family and all my sisters. I feel like we have a very special bond and are very similar in some ways. We are also very different and have different strengths. I was thinking today about those differences and wanted to write them down:

My sister Mindy is the strong one. I remember when we had a family death and just after my parents called to tell me I wanted to call Mindy. I knew that just hearing her voice would make me feel better and make me toughen up when I was so far away and couldn't be by family. And since she has started he blog, I realize she is also the funny one. She must have gotten all of my funny genes because she is extra funny and I am far from it. I admire her for both of these qualities.

** I couldn't steal a pic of her from FB or her blog so I stole one of her skills! Go Min. This looks awesome!

Demaree is the creative one. She is the only one that has any artistic ability (besides Karina. But that consists of paper and water most of the time). She is great at drawing! She also is able to sew like crazy. I'm talking make her own patterns, make car seat covers, crazy. She has made some really cute things. She is also great at knowing when to be sensitive and when to talk sense. What a great quality. There have been many times that I have turned to her because I knew that I would get an honest opinion. If I deserved sympathy she would give it but if I was being ridiculous she would tell me I was and I would accept that.

Karina is in a league of her own. I admire her for so many things. I can't image how frustrating it would be to have so many things hold her back when at certain times her mind is so sharp and I'm sure she knows what she wants and what she could be doing. She is also funny. I love how care free and happy she is at certain times. She has a child likeness about her and I love it. I remember when my niece passed away Karina just accepted it and said. "Hailey is in Heaven". And that was that. She knew where she was and wasn't sad. I have wondered so many times if she really knew what was happening and how sad it was but I am sure she did. She knew that we would see her again and she was in Heaven and wondered why we all had "colds" that made our eyes water a lot. 

I love my sisters and am so grateful for all their unique qualities. Sure love them! I would tell you all about my parents and their unique qualities but that is for another post, another day. But I sure love them too and think they are amazing. 

I'm a Big Boy Now

Let's just say that potty training is great birth control for me. It makes me not want to anymore kids and I already dread doing it with Damon. And I've only been at for 3 days! A potty training wimp, I guess. But I refuse to put him back in diapers so I will just put on the enthusiastic I love potty training more that anything in the world face for Mac and vent to you all about how I don't like it.

But in all reality he is actually doing really well and I am so proud of him. He has had several accidents a few melt downs but has also had several victories. Tonight being the best of all. Here's how it went down. I went upstairs to get his pajamas and a pull-up even though it was a lot earlier than I normally get him ready for bed. I was just done with underwear and couldn't wait to get him in that pull-up! When I came back downstairs I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and finally found him, guess where?! On the toilet. He had taken off his undies, climbed up there and as soon as I walked in he went pee.

HOOOOORRRRRAAAAHHHHH!!!!  I think he was so bugged with me constantly asking him if he needed to go to the bathroom and was happy to do it on his own. Plus, he is very observant and models EVERYTHING we do (like most kids but I feel like he is a little extreme). I think because we don't tell him we need to go, and we just take ourselves that he wants to do the same thing.

What a kid! Sure love that boy and am so proud of him! GO MAC!! Here's to hopefully a bright future of using the potty.

A Child's Prayer

During Mac's blessing on his lunch he blessed the trees, mom, dad, you know, just the usual. Then he blessed the TV and then said, "bless TV right dere" just in case the big man up there didn't know which TV he was talking about. I love when little kids are learning to pray!

A Dear Friend Had to Go Home

Growing up I was extremely close to 2 of my cousins. Although all three of us were very different we always had a blast together. I sure love my cousins! This summer I was so lucky to have Karli (one of the three) live in Texas about an hour away from us. I got to see her several times and LOVED having her so close. There is something about her that makes me feel good about life. I kind of wonder if its because being around her takes me back to my childhood which was awesome. That in combination with the fact that she is so chill and at ease makes me really love being around her. 

Well, Monday she had to go back home and I am SO sad. For some reason it is hitting me really hard. I think I forgot how much I loved being able to be around her and when I got to be around her so much I remembered how awesome it is. I will really miss her. She was so wonderful to us when she was here. She watched Mac when I was in the hospital having Damon and I can't even begin to tell you how awesome it was to not worry a bit about one thing regarding our house or Mac when we were in the hospital. And then when we came home the house was spotless, there were groceries in the fridge, there were muffins baking, etc, etc. What a wonderful cousin! She went above and beyond! And them even beyond that by taking such amazing images of our family at the hospital and then Damon and Mac when they watched him so we could go to a Sealing at the Temple. They are priceless. Do I owe this girl or what?! Cousin Power to the max! Sure do love this girl and I am so glad we got to spend some time together. I'm just sad it had to come to an end. Love you, Karli! Happy Birthday!

Yep, that's my girl. Karli is the best!

The Birth Story...

Damon is here and he is wonderful! He is one week old today. What a fast week it has been! He has really been a joy to have around. I don't know if it is the second time mom thing or if he is just a way easier baby then Mac (maybe some of both??) but this time around has been so much less stressful. It has been pretty chill actually. Part of that might come from the fact that I am feeling really good for giving birth a week ago. I actually felt really good for the most part a few hours after birth and have been feeling that way ever since. I only took a few pain meds in the hospital and a few motrin the day after.

    For memory sake, here is Damon's birth story as I remember it. I'm just throwing in pictures to break it up. Sunday night (the night before the birth) I had a slight breakdown about many-a-things. Adding a child to a family is SCARY let alone knowing where that child has to come from (and I'm not talking about heaven). After I shed a few tears my sweet husbando Devan and I had a great chit chat about several things and I went to bed feeling really calm. Dev has a great way of calming me down. At 5:17AM (according to Dev) I said, "Dev, DEV. I think my water just broke" which was followed by a "huh, oh, uh??? Really?" Usually it would have taken me a lot longer to wake him up because I am pretty passive about that but I was holding nothing back when I said that second "Dev". He woke up and of course the "are you sure" followed (I was asking myself the same question) and although I was pretty sure it only took a few more minutes to be completely sure, I will spare the details.

        Since I hadn't had any contractions or wasn't dilated the last time I went to the doctor I wasn't too sure if we should head to the hospital or just wait a few more hours so we didn't have to wake anyone up to come hang out with Mac. I started feeling a little something and unsure if it was contractions or not we decided to call an early riser from our ward. BLESS HER HEART! I love this lady, you have no idea! She got to our house about 6:30 and by that time I was pretty sure I was having contractions but nothing too painful.

           After packing a few more things (sure am a slacker....) we headed to the hospital. Luckily, the signs were good because we had never been to labor and delivery before. We are so prepared, I know. We got the hospital at 6:45 and calmly told the nice lady at the counter that my water broke and I was overdue. They showed me to a room and I got to wear my fav-o-fav thing on the planet those HORRID hospital gowns. eeehhhhh I so despise those!! I had a few more contractions but again, nothing too serious so when the nurse came in to check me I wasn't expecting too much. Apparently I was a 4.5. That was a little crazy to hear. at that point (probably almost 7:30) the contractions started getting more intense and the nurse, who I loved, followed her intuition that I was going to go really fast and made a few things happen early so I could get the epidural. There were some pretty intense contractions before the epidural man came at 8:00ish but it was still not too bad. I think my bubble blast nook game really helped.lol. Although I could not pass a level to save my life! Just a little distracted, I guess.

       Once the epidural was in, my Dr came down and told me I was at a 5 and to not be too surprised if the contractions stopped and I had to get potocin. I could tell by the nurse's face that was not going to happen. Dev (who had been outside during the epidural, the procedure at this hospital) came back in the room about 8:25ish. And that is where the fun began!!! 

   The contractions started coming and coming and basically the next 25 minutes are a blur. I do remember that the same thing that happened with Mac happened with Damon. My blood pressure dropped and the baby's heart beat dropped. I got oxygen, turned on my side, etc, etc, and there were all of a sudden several nurses and other people in the room. I guessed what was happening since it had happened with Mac and just like with Mac, I could tell by Dev's face that things were a little scary. Luckily they had me on my side facing opposite of all the monitors and nurses. I then heard the nurse on the phone with my Dr. and thank goodness as she was talking to him she could say that the heartbeat was coming back up. That made me able stay very calm (which surprisingly I had been the whole time). It was still a little scary and she told the dr to be on his way. I think she had checked me either right before or barely after all that and I was at a 9. So I went from 5-9 in like 10 or 15 minutes. The dr came in very shortly after that all pompous and loud and really bugged me, telling me how to push and what was going to happen. For some reason the fact that he was so loud and abrasive really got on my nervous. Anyway (I'll spare the details of the next part) I then pushed through 3 contractions and he was out at 8:57AM. Pretty crazy fast and just crazy in general. He was safe, sound, and perfect. I loved him. I have this weird thing that I don't feel like I really connect with the babies when they are in my belly. I just seem to be different when it comes to that than other people. But the second they come out and I get to touch them I just melt. He stole my heart! I love that moment of birth. It is so easy to feel so close to Heaven. I was just so grateful in that moment to be able to be a big part of the miracle. Birth is fascinating and such a miracle. There is no other word for it.

   I'll have the write more about the next few hours but this has gotten way too long already. So that will come another day. Just get excited because The Hulk was in the delivery room with him. I know, right!

A Unique Calling

The past few days Mac has been the sweetest little guy. He is growing and learning so fast. There have been several moments that I just wanted to pause time and squeeze him for days because I love him so much. He makes me smile and laugh so often. I just LOVE that little fellow. 

With that being said I am a little sad to not have just me and Mac time all the time.  For two years its been just us most of the day. What a special time that was! It will be totally different in a few days when the baby gets here. I am SO grateful I have had those special little moments with Mac the past few days. I've eaten them up! I'm kind of sad for it not to be Mac and Mom time all the time. I'm guessing that is a normal emotion before the second child arrives, at least I hope it is. I know it will be just fine and we will still have special moments but for this instant, I am just sad. 

I sure love that little fellow. He will be such a GREAT big brother. He was out playing in the yard tonight and here are a few cute photos I snapped:

Being a mom is such a unique experience. Some days I feel like I was made to me a mom, like every part of my DNA was meant for it. And other days I wonder what the heck I am doing thinking being responsible for the well being of children. I feel so inadequate. What an interesting grouping of emotions. Being a mom is unique calling. I know I was specifically called to be mom and I love doing it. Sometimes I just wish the manual was little more clear. Oh wait... that's right, there is no manual!! So apparently I just make it up as I go like all the other mom's out there. What a fun job! I really do love it.